Twist and Shout

Twist and Shout
Life is never straight (Joey Kulkin photo)

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Vignettes from Vermont: Visions of Bom Joo

BENNINGTON -- Ollie Optometrist slipped the black-rimmed glasses over Art Gallery Dude's eyes, adjusted them on his schnoz, sat back in his chair then pulled out a card and asked the newly bespectacled fella to start reading the set of words in 8-point type.

"Holy shit!" AGD said, "How long have I been missing this?"

Ollie Optometrist smiled and said "It's a lot better now, isn't it."

Yes, Ollie, it is! The words were so ... crisp. My god, man, this is how it's supposed to be.

For a fella who sees things far away with little trouble and has 20-20 vision, AGD started squinting months ago as he tried to read newspapers or magazines or computer screens. Perhaps that would explain the constant headaches. Regardless, it's all better now.

AGD began wearing glasses in 1988 until he lost them weeks later in Las Vegas ...

... what happened on that Vegas trip with his attorney and his attorney's attorney is that AGD won 900 bucks playing Keno (at the Frontier) and pulling the Red, White & Blue slots (at the Desert Inn) then proceeded to devastate tacos and cervezas galore at the great Mexican restaurant inside the Frontier. All three were shit-faced by midnight, both attorneys passed out, which is when AGD stumbled down to the casino. By 1 he lost his wad of cash to a blackjack dealer named Bom Joo. But it's not just that he lost everything to a blackjack dealer by the name of Bom Joo, mind you, it was that AGD would draw two or three cards to get 18 only to see Bom Joo pull 19; AGD pulled 19 only to see Bom Joo pull a 20, on the fifth card; and when AGD pulled a 20 Bom Joo dealt himself a motherfuckin' ace and a king. And this shit happened for an hour. Fucking Bom Joo. Fucked a bombed Jew.

So you can understand why AGD could not have cared less about losing his glasses the next day. He didn't lose them per se but slid them inside a pair of red Reebok high-tops then put those high-tops in the trunk of his attorney's silver Cadillac ...

This bad boy went on many an adventure

... and by the time they made it back to L.A. he had forgotten about shoes and specs.

He remembered days later but thought "Who needs glasses, anyway? Fucking Bom Joo."

Twenty-three years later, Art Gallery Dude needs glasses again. To read, anyway.

And he'd like to read some of your funny stories about wearing glasses. Funny places you lost them. Weird ways you cracked them. Painful ways you _______ them. He wants to see pictures of you wearing your glasses and wants to read your stories.

And now he'll be able to read those stories with great clarity.

Yes, Ollie Optometrist, it *is* a lot better now.

Email submissions to and AGD will post them here.