Twist and Shout

Twist and Shout
Life is never straight (Joey Kulkin photo)

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Vignettes from Vermont: Q&A with Joey Kulkin part 3

Art Gallery Dude. Or is that Joey Kulkin? (Incredible Kulk photo)
Order their book "Chalk It Up" HERE

BENNINGTON -- This Q&A series with Joey Kulkin concludes today from behind the counter at Fiddlehead at Four Corners, where Art Gallery Dude, the Incredible Kulk and Kulkin himself will seek to answer a few lingering (and perplexing) questions.

Questions such as "How is the Incredible Kulk interviewing Joey Kulkin when Joey Kulkin is the Incredible Kulk?" and "If Joey Kulkin is Art Gallery Dude, too, how is the Incredible Kulk interviewing Art Gallery Dude when Joey Kulkin has slipped into a coma because of the shivering grumbles?" And finally "How in tarnations can one guy interview himself three separate ways? Has he gone mad!?"

Art Gallery Dude: So, Joey, how were those shivering grumbles?

Joey Kulkin: You tell me, dude, you had them, too.

AGD: I did? Incredible Kulk, did you know about this?

Incredible Kulk: Unfortunately, yes.

AGD: Why didn't you inform me during the interview?

IK: Why ruin a good thing?

JK: Exactly.

AGD: Wait a second. How are you answering questions, Joey, when you're Art Gallery Dude?

JK: Come on, AGD, you saw that dogshit "Inception" movie with me and the Incredible Kulk. Wasn't the point of the plot that you could plant the seed of an idea into a man's mind by giving him a drug to make him sleep, then making the drug even more potent so that he falls into a second tier of dreaming in an attempt to make realities clash, then -- THEN! -- you give him an even stronger dose of the drug to make him fall into a deeper third tier of dreaming, so that three realities are occuring at once and hilarity ensues and the dude wakes up and thinks of the idea all by himself? And then Leonardo DiCaprio spins his top to make sure he hasn't gone cuckoo. Boy, that Christopher Nolan sure is a genius.

IK: Whut?

AGD: Oh, yeah, I see what you mean, Joey. So we're, like, Inception?

JK: Well, the Inceptional Kulk. I am you when you are me when Incredible Kulk is interviewing me as you and you as me.


AGD: So are we awake or asleep right now?

JK: You've been asleep at the wheel for years. I don't know about Incredible Kulk.

IK: Huh?

AGD: That's right. I think we have pulled it off.

JK: But in which reality?

AGD: Did you ask that question 22 minutes ago?

IK: NO! HE JUST ASKED THE QUESTION!

JK: Did you ask that question, Incredible Kulk, or was that me asking Art Gallery Dude the question as Incredible Kulk?

AGD: That's some third-tier genius, Joey.

JK: Thanks, AGD. And allow me to say you did a great job filling in for me the other day.

AGD: Well, thank you, but it was easy because I *was* you.

JK: Huh?

IK: Oh, dear God, get me out of this shit show.

JK: What's wrong, Incredible Kulk?

AGD: Are you asking Incredible Kulk what's wrong as Joey Kulkin or as Incredible Kulk asking himself what's wrong?

JK: Yes.

AGD: Gotcha.

AGD: Wait, I see what you did there!

IK: What did I do there?

JK: AGD was taking to me, IK.

AGD: Huh?

IK: So let me get this straight before I fall into the fourth tier of insanity. I am the Incredible Kulk in blog form, but Joey Kulkin is the Incredible Kulk, who writes on the Incredible Kulk blog, and in the first Q&A I interviewed Art Gallery Dude as Joey Kulkin, and in the second Q&A I interviewed Joey Kulkin as Joey Kulkin, who complimented Art Gallery Dude for filling in as Joey Kulkin when Joey Kulkin was in a coma -- which would have meant Art Gallery Dude was in a coma ... which meant the Incredible Kulk was in a coma ... which means ... Please, God, strike me down with another case of the shivering grumbles.

JK: Calm down, IK.

IK: BUT YOU'RE TELLING YOURSELF TO CALM DOWN!

AGD: He is?

IK: <holds his head and screams>

JK: Hey, AGD, you look pretty sharp in that yellow shirt with AGD across the chest.

AGD: So do you.

JK: Huh?

IK: YOU ARE HIM AND HE IS YOU! AND YOU ARE ME! BOTH OF YOU ARE AGD AND ONE OF YOU IS JOEY KULKIN! BUT ALL THREE OF US ARE INCREDIBLE KULK!

JK: Calm down, Incredible Kulk. Are you feeling a little jealous? Do you want a yellow shirt that reads AGD, too?

AGD: I am *NOT* letting Incredible Kulk wear my AGD shirt!

JK: But he's already wearing it.

AGD: Huh?

JK: Dude, look at the picture. Incredible Kulk is wearing the yellow T.

AGD: But that's me.

IK: Well it's not Diego Fucking Maradona!

JK: The basketball player?

AGD: No, Diego Maradona painted. Diego Rivera was the basketball player.

IK: <sighs and thinks "I would do ANYTHING to be struck down by the hand of God">

AGD: Can I wear the yellow shirt tomorrow?

JK: No, it's my turn tomorrow.

IK: Well when in the fuck is it *MY* turn!?

JK: You're wearing it now, Incredible Kulk.

AGD: I thought I was wearing it right now.

JK: You are.

AGD: So what shirt are *you* wearing right now?

JK: The same one Incredible Kulk is wearing.

IK: God, I hope we die in a fire.

JK: We should really talk about my book "Chalk It Up!"

IK: Screw your book, Kulkin! Go tell AGD to promote the book that he can butcher another Maradona reference.

AGD: Wait, Diego Maradona wrote a book about butchers?