Twist and Shout

Twist and Shout
Life is never straight (Joey Kulkin photo)

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Vignettes from Vermont: Of Virginia Nuts, Jesus Nuts and Ol' One Nut


BENNINGTON -- The nuts in the can in the photo above passed Art Gallery Dude's stringent nut test: They were fresh, big, robust, crunchy, delicious. They're nuts for nut lovers.

The words at the bottom of the orange box on the front of the can reads "An exclusive Artisan Roasting process gives these salted peanuts a one-of-a-kind crunchy and crisp taste" while the other side of the can reads "These are no ordinary peanuts. Our Central Market Classics Salted Virginia Peanuts are larger and less oily than other varieties. We start by water blanching them, then oil roasting them in the finest expeller pressed oil available."

Naturally, AGD wanted to know what "water blanching them" means and found THIS.

Naturally, AGD wanted to know what "expeller pressed" means and found THIS. (Protip: Stay away from oils that are expelled with poison.)

Naturally, AGD wanted to read a review of Virginia Peanuts and found THIS.

Years ago AGD worked as a photojournalist in Jamaica and subsisted on a weed-driven diet of Oreos, meat patties, peanuts and Red Stripe. But especially the peanuts. More peanuts than should be allowed by law over a 6-month period. Peanuts, peanuts, peanuts galore. Mouthful of peanuts and a slug of Red Stripe. He was nuts for those island nuts, mon, and yet they pale by comparison with these crunchy, yummy nuts from Virginia.

A year and a half after returning to the States, AGD developed cancer and awoke from surgery with one less nut after the doctor sawed it off. "Ol' One Nut" is what friends came to call him for a while. Years later AGD's lawyer bought him a gift: underwear with a squirrel gnawing on one nut. Nutty, but funny.

Not nearly as plum-nutty as a story out of Fresno today: This hitchhiking surfer dude ...



... became a hero when he used a hatchet to beat the crap out of a freakazoid who went nuts and proclaimed himself Jesus during a rampage against black men and women.